The Ultimate Karma Credit Plan: Buy Now, Pay Forever

So i haven't posted in a loooooong time but I figure why Maddie's brother is taking over the TV with Anime, now is a good time as any. Here are the high and low lights of 2008 (probably in not any particular order):

- the drama has seemed to have escalated from 2007 to 2008

- made up with a really good friend of mine, lost another really good friend of mine

- got over $1500 in paychecks

- made meals in my own kitchen so I didn't have to get sick in the Commons

- woke up to Sephiroth's (Desiree's) ass in tight leather pants really early one morning

- got myself a fling over the summer - lots of firsts

- got myself an internship, lost the internship due to Drew administration problems, got myself another internship and trying to keep that afloat

- signed up for Italian and dropped if because I can't get out of my French funk

- got a good grade in Bio (wha????)

- got to know lots of cool freshmen from TMT

- got "whopping cough"

- found out that people change - some for the good, some for the worse

- was deemed "pregnant" (gotta love those Jewish virgin births)

- got back into old habits and ways of thinking

- interviewed to be Jewish enough for Israel

- didn't go to Israel but is currently staying in Long Island with Maddie with constant trips to the city - Madame Tussaud's, Jersey Boys, Equus, Spring Awakening, La Rondine (opera)

- went on a kick ass road trip to New Jersey with my sister

- got a second job at TOE and was promoted to shopping manager

- worked my first Revels as Theater Head

- most stressful year ever!!

- did stand-up at Caroline's on Broadway (!! still waiting for that dvd...)

- got my absentee ballot but the wrong address and person was typed on it so I couldn't vote but all the people I wanted to win won anyway!

Out with the old and in with the new, as I try to do. my resolution this year is to stop crying about how others are more worthy than me. I am being there for me.

I can't wait to go home and this personal drama within myself to be over.
So much work to do, not a lot of time to do it in and I am missing the fun in life right now, mostly because I let my logic get in the way of what people are really thinking as opposed to what I think they are thinking.

Ulla's family is awesome. Just as simple as that. Delicious meal, fun stories, embarrassing photos. In the midst of it, I just missed my mom a LOT.

At home, Thanksgiving dinner was never really that good. It was hectic and loud and the food was cold once I sat down after watching the girls but it was fun. My mom invited people who didn't have a home to go to for this time of year. It was never a big thing but it was our thing.

I miss cuddling. A lot. I really need a hug.

Sorry to be so depressing. Must be the turkey hangover.   lol

5 days until I go to my first Ukrainian Thanksgiving vacation
13 days until my mom comes to visit
14 days until first night of Revels
15 days until second night of Revels
23 days until I go home
41 days until I go to Israel

Current Location: my grad house apartment
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: "Harder" by Turn

I know exactly how I feel. I just can't say it or bad shit happens.

Around the corner he had a friend,
In a city whose streets had no end.
Days went by and weeks rushed past,
And before he knew it the year had passed.
Before long the man no longer saw his friend’s face,
For life is a swift and hectic race.
They both liked each other just as well,
As in the days they rang one another’s bell.
The man reminisces; they were younger then,
Now they are battered, tired, old men.
Both tired of playing silly games,
Wherein even winners cannot make a name.
Days go by, and by they go,
Yet neither man greets the other hello.
As tomorrows turn into yesterdays,
The friends around the corner grow farther away.
One day the man looked through the obituaries,
He found that by death, had his friend been carried.
The man felt that in the end,
He had deserved this, a vanished friend.
The moral, friend, is to leave no regrets.
For one day you might be the only one left.
So say what you mean and mean what you say,
And cherish life’s gifts each and every day.

Current Location: my grad house apartment
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: "When I'm 64" by the Beatles

I looked into the mind of a person in a really scary situation and I immediately knew then that I know that I want a relationship at all where I know i can come home and feel safe. Someone who just by being themselves can make me feel stable and normal so I won't ever get sucked into that scary world again.
When I therapize people, it is so easy to get lost in there. It is nice to know that I have a foundation to keep me stable. I just need to maintain some sort of foundation for the future. This is vital to my existence.

Current Location: my grad house apartment
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D

Facebook makes me want to kill myself.

The magic of it all has faded.
Now it was just something that happened that one point in time.
Back to reality
No white horse BMW
No Prince Charming coming to see where I work, where I go to class
Did he even mean any of it
I think that it was just...a favor for a friend,
it hurts to love him

You never really appreciate such a good thing you had until the bad habits start reappearing. I reacquainted with an old friend tonight and I have never felt more lonely. All he talked about was himself. I talked a little bit about what has been going on with me but I felt that I was more talking about it to reinforce a discussion about his problems; it was never a dialogue. I was a therapist once again; a faithful friend to the end. I never felt so used.

Your true friends are the ones who listen. The ones who watch the movies that it took most of the day to make it right. Watch them all the way through and say what they liked about it.

Current Location: my grad house apartment
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: AC

I am really depressed and stressed out. I could sit here and list all of the crappy things that are going on. I actually started making a list about my nieces and as I was writing, I realized that I was being a bitch. I am completely justified to be pissed off at how they treated me with complete disrespect yesterday but that doesn't mean that my whole summer has been shitty. I have had a lot of fun with them as well as a lot of tears and frustration. That is the same for a lot of things involving family or friends. I just need to get myself out of this funk and focus on the good things.

My nieces behaved like total brats yesterday but we made some fun videos together and they really enjoyed the art museum when we were finally able to get there.

My mother had to go to the hospital on Monday but now she is doing great and says she feels better than she has in a long time and we are able to spend more time together because now she understands that she doesn't need to work as hard as she does.

Aaron is super busy with school and work but at least I get to see him everyday where he makes me laugh and gives me the best hugs.

I haven't had a fling night in almost 3 weeks now but at least I got to experience some really great things while it lasted and who knows if it will really be the end anyway.

I know this really depresses my mom and in turn makes me feel really bad, there is only one month until I go back to New Jersey and I can't wait!!

I have agreed to perform at Caroline's in NYC on September 8 at 9:30 pm. Why do I not just my brain?? I just act on impulse to later have my mind scream at me: DUDE!!!!!!!!

Now I need to think of material and I need to have people to perform it in front of. I definitely want to use my Minnesotan accent as a part of it - that is my big climax. I would want to use the Harry Potter condom thing again but it didn't go so well the last time I used it. But perhaps this would be different because I am inviting as many people as possible to come and see. Because Caroline's is a BIG deal! The first thing I remember when I went into the city with people was that it is hard to get into Caroline's because it is so amazing. And now...holy shit!

I just created a huge ass Facebook event, inviting everyone I could think of who would be able to attend, and I keep checking like an insane maniac and giggle whenever I see someone coming.

Current Location: my mother's bedroom
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: the movie "Keeping the Faith"

Things can work out. Med Fest was a huge success. I wish I could have spent more time with my family but I was supposed to make sure that people knew when their scenes were coming on so I was walking all over the place. I am still mad at Stephen for taking it upon himself to start a scene and be in charge when he was way early and didn't even draw much of a crowd. If he makes a big stink of me being mad at him for that, I just hope that there are people who don't take him seriously.

I have been on the fence about being Theater Head. There are times where it has been frustrating but I realize it was because of Stephen and just making sure people can make it to rehearsals. Things will work out and I don't have to have Stephen involved if I don't want to.

I love my nieces and I love my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was awesome being with my girls because they are so good and so fun and I love them so much.
They said that Med Fest was the best day in their lives and they never want to leave New Jersey!
How cool would it be if they came to Drew when it is time for them to go to college?

I realized introducing my friends to my nieces that I have a lot of people whom I call my friend. Just listing them would make me feel much better about myself. I should do that sometime when I am blue.

Current Location: My kick ass dorm room
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Angels in America

Rules:
+ Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
+ Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
+ Post them here for everyone to guess.
+ Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
+ NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.

Please participate and post your own...I wager it'll be fun.

1)  I like these calm little moments before the storm. It reminds me of Beethoven. Can you hear it? It's like when you put your head to the grass and you can hear the growin' and you can hear the insects. Do you like Beethoven?

2)  She amuses herself with silly questions about the world below, such as "How many people are having an orgasm right now?" Amelie - Helen

3)  This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! The Producers - Ulla

4)  I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.

5)  Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed. The Birdcage - Ulla

6)  Do you know why this microphone has such a long cord? So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your ass.

7)  Are we like couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Helen

8)  I'm going back where I can be me, at the Bonjour Tristese Brassiere Company!

9)  I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman. The Royal Tenenbaums - Nikki

10)  He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died, but he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his... you KNOW. Clue - Ulla

11)  We'll start the ass-kissing with you. The Boondock Saints - Yaro

12)  That I want to make love to you - not just once, but over and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life. Life is Beautiful - Yaro

13)  Sophomore dies in kiln explosion? Oh My God! I just talked to her last week... She was going to make me a pot.

14)  She doesn't quite chop his head off. She makes a Pez dispenser out of him.

15)  I hate Paris in the springtime/I hate Paris in the fall/I hate Paris in the summer when it sizzles/I hate Paris in the winter when it drizzles/I hate Paris, oh why oh why do I hate Paris?/Because my love is there... with his SLUT girlfriend. French Kiss - Helen

Current Location: My kick ass dorm room
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Passive by A Perfect Circle

So running on about 5 hours of sleep. I must relate my New Year's Eve. I try to make my last day of the year the best ever and I believe that this was the best last day of last days of the year. Sadly, my best friend in the entire world was working and then was invited to another New Year's Eve party. But I got to visit him for a half hour break and that was great. <3Aaron

I was planning on seeing Golden Compass with my friend Teddy and then hanging out with two of my other guy friends after wards until a couple of hours after midnight. But then one of my other guy friends called to watch Enchanted later that night. Thus was the birth of the ultimate Lie of Lies. tee hee

I have decided to do a great TRIPLE FEATURE (dun dun DUN!) including The Golden Compass, The Water Horse after wards and then meet up with Rusty after that for Enchanted. So that meant staying in the theater for as long as humanly possible for free without getting caught. Golden Compass was GOOD. Completely off the book but was great nonetheless. Next we had a whole hour until Water Horse so we ended up seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks. Very cute. After that, though, the problems with the Lie started. My friend Teddy lost his hat in the theater with the Golden Compass but it was already going on halfway through the flick. And better yet, my friend Rusty wanted to meet up much earlier to hang out and have dinner.

My friend Rusty HATES double features and the like and if he learned what we were doing, he would insist we would 'fess up and whatnot. So keep huge secret from him. So I was brilliant at least for Teddy and would say upon meeting Rusty that Teddy was busy shopping for his family and would meet us at the movies when he was done, while waiting for the movie to get out. I even gave him my keys for the illusion that he put all his stuff in my car. So I went to go see him in the food court and I see that all the stores are closed and all the halls in the mall are closed off. SHIT. I had already left the theater and my expansion of the Lie was a total bust. Plus, no car. So I quickly called Rusty and told him another expansion. That Teddy had to talk to his mom and would meet us at the theater. My car? Um. I found a kick ass parking spot and it is so fucking crowded just pick me up and get something to eat.

So Teddy had that triple feature while I just had the double. Then we all went back home and watched South Park: Uncut and I got to talk to my bestest friend from New Jersey with the best tipsy random conversation. It was midnight her time so it was like a glimpse into the future and a great farewell for me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! May 2008 have no drama.

Current Location: My mom's bedroom
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Alanis Morisette

I have finally decided to get a little dragonfly with red wings on my ankle as my tattoo of choice.
My mom finally cracked and let me go with it and so I will with full arms!!

:-D

Current Location: My mom's bedroom
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Project Runway, Season 3

But I don't wanna just yet.

I just came back from watching "I Am Legend" with Ulla and Jason and I TOTALLY recommend it. As soon as I get home, I am going to make a list of books I have to read and movies I have to see because I wasn't able to do any of those things while in college. Now I just have to fit that in with spending time with Mom, making room for Dad, babysitting the girls and chilling with my friends. I can't wait for break!! I don't miss Minnesota - I miss the people I love that are still there.

So out of my four finals this semester, I finished three: Theater Tech, Spanish and Anthropology. Theater Tech, so far, has to be my WORST. I barely had time to study for it and I did the VERY bare minimum. I needed at least an 82 to get a B in the class. Let's say that that may not happen. If I get the rest of my grades to be very good, I will keep my average. But the good news is that in Spanish, it was VERY easy and I feel that I did a good job. I am getting an A in the class already and my professor told me that she won't even count the things we do wrong in the final so it will only help our grade...SWEET! And Anthropology, what I was REALLY terrified about, I think went OK. I felt that I knew the material well and I answered all but one of the questions because I wasn't in that class when they had the lecture on linguistics. So if I do well on the paper and the final, I stand to do well in the class. Hopefully.

Next is Death. Yes. Death. I feel that it is stuff that I should know but I have been sorely neglecting my reading. Thank God for small favors when my professor gave us a list of the things that we needed to know for the test. So I have to do is just answer those questions for the readings today and tomorrow and finish and review them Monday morning and afternoon before the test that night.

Current Location: My kick ass dorm room
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror XVII"

Revels is all over now and I can actually breathe. And wear pants..lol

Now, along with doing the large amount of reading for classes, I just take pictures and hunt for music.
So I got back all the art I didn't manage to sell at the auction and got the money I received from the stuff I did sell. Insanity Horse gets 50% of the profits and after buying one of Sproffee's pics for $3 and receiving $2.25 for what I have sold. I have $0.75 in the hole.  lol

Better luck next time...

Current Location: My kick ass dorm room
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: "Heroes""

Things have actually been less stressful for me. I am caught up in my Anthropology reading and I am actually a bit ahead in my Theater Tech. All I have to do is get caught up in my Death class, stay caught up in my Anthropology and memorize some Spanish.

*sigh* SHOPPING THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!! I love my friends.

I am counting down to the days when I am able to get back home. 38!!!!!!!!!!!! I just talked to my nieces a couple of nights ago and I miss them terribly. Isabelle wants a Dora the Explorer mermaid, Ally wants a cellphone, Angelina wants earrings and a credit card so she can spend it on clothes at Target.  lol Kids...

Current Location: My kick ass dorm room
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: the movie About A Boy

I have always been particularly drawn to definitionally "emo" music but there are very rare songs that seem to take me up into great obsession that I just HAVE to find it. A special chord, phrase, or a person's voice can just have me memorized. Examples include "Broken" by Evanesence and Seether, "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down and "Wasteland" by 10 Years. While I was looking for one of these songs that I got from a Guitar Hero commercial ("Slither" by Velvet Revolver), I started to remember this other song that I got from a Law and Order commercial and this is the song. I never realized that this song would ever have an effect on me as this one did. It is very uplifting, the music and the lyrics, and it makes me motivated and pumped. And something really significant...

The album from this song is Blackbird. My family commonly associates themselves with the Crow because my mother has always believed that is the form that she comes in to communicate with us. So I always grew up with the assurance that whenever I saw a crow, that was my grandmother watching out for me. I don't believe in coincidences, personally. That is just hiding the fact that there are deeper meanings in things.

With that, here is my new theme song (and new ringtone...lol):

"Rise Today"

The wind is blowing cold
Have we lost our way tonight?
Have we lost our hope to sorrow?

Feels like we're all alone
Running further from what's right
And there are no more heroes to follow

So what are we becoming?
Where did we go wrong?

[Chorus:]
Yeah, oh yeah
I want to rise today
And change this world

Yeah, oh yeah
Oh, won't you rise today
And change this world?

The sun is beating down
Are we ever gonna change
Can we stop the blood from running?

Our time is running out
Hope we find a better way
Before we find we're left with nothing

For every life that's taken
So much love is wasted

[Chorus:]
Yeah, oh yeah
I want to rise today
And change this world

Yeah, oh yeah
So won't you rise today
And change

This world
Only love can set it right
This world
If only peace would never die

Seems to me that we've got each other wrong
Was the enemy just your brother all along?

[Chorus:]
Yeah, oh yeah
I want to rise today
And change this world

Yeah, oh yeah
Oh won't you rise today
And change this world?

Yeah, oh yeah
I want to rise today
And change this world

Yeah, oh yeah
I want to rise today
And change this world

Current Location: My kick ass dorm room
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: "Goodbye Girl" by Hootie and the Blowfish

OK. I understand that people are supposed to live their own lives and everything but I usually believe that when someone asks you for guidance, YOU FUCKING TAKE IT!

I am starting to feel like Cassandra from Troy. She was Apollo's object of obsession and when she refused him, he spat in her mouth. At birth, she was given the gift to be able to look into the future and now Apollo had changed her gift so that whatever predictions she made, no one would ever believe her. When the things she predicted happened, it was too late for anyone to do anything. She was depicted a craving lunatic and was eventually raped by Ajax at the end of the Trojan War.

I don't know what to call what I have. I'm not so much an empath as I am someone that people automatically trust and before they know it, they tell me something about themselves that they haven't told anyone else. And when I give advice, it is like it isn't me anymore. It is hard to describe what exactly happens but I have a feeling that this is true wisdom that just flows through me. Like it is ignited by a single phrase or a single concept that is brought and then, like a line prompt in the major production of the play of Life, I recite this mini monologue that makes complete sense and every time, it makes an impact on the other person.

However, helping people lately has been affecting my life. I am supposed to be the Leading Lady of My Life and I have been telling that to quite a few people lately but haven't even been following my own advice. Two of my classes are starting to go under and I have the rest of the semester to make it up for the better. But to do that, I can't have too much distraction. My indigestion and my stress is kicking in already and first semester isn't even over.

My friends, who I considered to be safe territory because they never caused any medical problems for me, have already settled under my skin, so to speak. I hate it when my friends have conflicts with each other and I feel this need to make it all better. But in exchange, my work for Anthropology and for Theater Tech are in the crapper. And my dinner on some occasions and is now making me constantly hungry.

To those friends, forgive me for I am pissed off and stressed but...

TALK TO EACH OTHER AND GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES!!

And to one person in particular, I know I will probably see you later today before you even read this but I am tired of being there for you and seeing you hurt yourself over and over again. Your friends are talking about you and your reputation behind your back and afraid that you are hurting yourself too with your life choices. I don't understand why I am your friend in the case when I am supposed to help you when you don't seem to take me seriously. I am tired of speaking in your defense. You have your boyfriend now to fall back on because your wife will no longer be there.

No one should ever deny that I have never been there for my friends and I was never in it just to say that I was a part of that.I was a part of it because I wanted to be because it breaks my heart to see my friends hurting. Especially when they have been so good to me and I believe that good people get hurt the most because they are good people.

Secrets have always been safe with me. It gets hard and as been hard these past couple of days and now it is time to send my reign as Switzerland and get the fuck of this planet in the midst of this war.

I have decided to make this entry public because I never want to bottle up my emotions anymore about this matter and you are all on live journal anyway. I just don't care now. From now on, I do not talk anymore about this matter to anyone involved or NOT involved. If you bring it up to me and say, WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUST WRITE THAT, I slam the door on my way out. Enough is enough and this isn't even my fight.

I love you. At least remember that. I have always loved you and always will. Never deny that.

Current Location: My kick ass dorm room
Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: silence

Goosebumps marathon on Cartoon Network!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Location: My kick ass dorm room
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: Night of the Living Dummy...laughing...